| by Jeremy Ahrens theCitizen
Goby's is the favored neighborhood bar of Groveland residents who have yet to give up cancer sticks, or are just too lazy to walk it to the Groveland Tap. Domestic taps are a buck and rail drinks are a buck plus change Monday through Friday before 6. The average happy hour patron is a 45 year old with yellow teeth and a sporty haircut (wash and wear for women, balding for men). Thursday night is the best time to go. Domestic taps for a dollar are extended between 8 and midnight. The age of the average patron dips to 30 as frugal Thommies, Macalester kids, and the elusive St. Cates virgin get into the mix. Don't let Goby's popularity on Thursday nights fool you. Everyone is there for the cheep beer.
Food: Everything is under $5 and deep-fried.
Hot guys: 1. His name is Smokey. He has a mustache. If you buy him a beer he will tell you about all the hot girls that come on Thursdays. If you buy him 2 beers, he will let you try on his denim jacket. Smokey will have an emotional breakdown if you buy him 3 beers and play "Talk Dirty to Me" on the jukebox. Don't let his fragile emotional state fool you. He won't let you keep the denim jacket.
Hot girls: 1. But she is with Smokey.
Conversation: Sports. Sports. Sports. When people get tired of sports they talk about their favorite non-sports subject, fantasy football. Yes. I know. If you want to please the crowd, talk about how the St. Paul Rec department messed up Highland 18. Then talk about tax dollars going to waste. People will love you. I don't even know what Highland 18 is. I assume it's a golf course. I just like to repeat what works. And a Highland 18 sucks monologue will build your Goby's street cred like nothing else. If you can transition Highland 18 suckage into your fantasy football draft, you might just become more popular than Smokey.
Decor: If you have any sports themed mirrors or posters, bring them to Goby's. They will put them up. NOTE: It's totally not cool to check out how awesome your hair looks in the buck hunter themed sports mirrors hanging on the wall.
Bartenders: Last time I was there the bartender gave me a bottle of Budweiser and told me to "Feel the frost, Jeremy. Feel the frost." That was pretty awesome.
User Review
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